Aug
27
“My nine-year old daughter has started to dread going to school. She always has a head or tummy ache, and ends up missing two or three days a week. When I tell her she has to go, she acts as if she’s truly afraid, and cries and screams. We don’t know what to do.”
You have to be firm with her, and not try to just wait it out. If she misses too much school, she will never go back.
However, don’t be angry with her as her anxiety and distress are real.
Try to work out if her fear is about going to school (school phobia), leaving you or home (separation anxiety), or going into crowded public places (agoraphobia).
If someone is bullying, teasing, embarrassing, or abusing her, then it could be the first diagnosis. Talk to her teachers to find out what they know and to inform them of your experiences with your daughter.
Make a doctor appointment for a complete examination. Explain the whole situation to him so he can look for serious illness.
If he doesn’t find anything, then believe what he says. Don’t ask for more tests and assume that your child is healthy and should be in school. Be firm with her and at the same time reassure her that you will both be fine when she gets to school. If she still claims to be sick, you can either:
Option one is to tell her she has to go to school. Of course if she shows symptoms of real illness, you would keep her home. Simply “not feeling good” isn’t a good enough reason not to go. Adults go to work with headaches and other fairly minor ailments.
Option two is to believe what she says. If she claims to be too sick to attend school, then she is too sick to be up at home. Make sure she gets into bed. Turn off the lights, close the curtains, don’t let her watch TV and don’t bring her any snacks. Just maintain your daily routine. Make staying home a complete bore. If she isn’t asleep then she could be doing her homework. She definitely shouldn’t have friends visit.
Establish some incentives for her to go to school. Some kind of reward or privilege would be in order.
Resolve to stick to your guns, but do it calmly. Make it known that you expect her to attend school but don’t fight with her. Your goal is to make her want to go, and soon. As soon as she goes and learns that both of you are doing fine while she is there, then her depression and anxiety should go away.
If these techniques don’t work and you think she may be seriously depressed or anxious, then find professional help by asking your family doctor for a referral.
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